More Things I Cannot Do In Iraq... (Friday, April 16, 2004 11:06)

Hello all...

I know I just sent out a dispatch detailing the mundane, boring, sleeply little world of Iraq (I think the "Sarcasm-Meter" exploded on that line), but as I ran convoy security and sat in traffic for hours at the Kuwaiti border, the sun began to fry what little brains I have left, and inspiration hit. In the short time since my last dispatch, I have received a lot of email regarding my list... so I give you more pearls of wisdom from the land sand and camels...I give you...THINGS I CANNOT DO IN OR WITH A HUMMV IN IRAQ

1. I cannot rev the engine and and scream "that thing got a hemi?" when another HUMMV pulls up next to me.

2. I cannot stand sideways in the turret and simulate surfing whiel crusing
down the hardball at 65 MPH (even if I sing "Surfing USA").

3. I cannot lean forward in the turret and simulate Superman flying.

4. I cannot extend my arms outwards and make bomber plane noises while
standing in the turret.

5. I cannot scream "hey, jackass!" when we drive by a donkey (or an an Iraqi).

6. I cannot keep my coffee balanced when my rifle rests on my lap while driving.

7. I cannot repeatedly list "CD player broken" and "no A/C" on my weekly fault report list to maintenance.

8. I cannot jump sand berms and ruts with a 5000 lb HUMMV

9. I cannot use the HUMMV to ram said berms

10. I cannot equip my HUMMV with rocket launchers and oil slicks.

11. Similarly, I cannot list oil leaks as "oil slick dispensers" on above list

12. When crossing the Kuwaiti border, I cannot, while standing in the turret, wave my hand at the border guards and say "these are not the water trucks you are looking for. You do not need to see their identification." (Star Wars reference)

13. I cannot throw water bottles are cars that travel too cloesly to the convoy (yeah, right).

14. I cannot "drag-race" other convoys

15. I cannot cut in front of or into the middle of other, larger convoys.

16. I cannot do donuts in the motor pool lot.

17. I cannot play chicken with the camp commander when he is out on his PT
run.

18. I cannot attach a rope to the turret and pretend to be a professional bull rider.

19. I cannot attempt to recreate CPT Kilgore's scene in "Apocalypse Now" while driving through Beggar's Alley, even if I try to blare "Ride of the Valkyries"

20. I cannot, while riding in the turret, point out IRaqi civilians to the driver and scream "that one there in the red scarf... fifty points!"

21. I cannot stop and ask civilians for directions to Wally World

22. I cannot use the HUMMV for personal trips to the PX

23. I cannot attach a chain link fence to the rear bumper of the HUMMV and use it to groom the baseball diamond.

24. I cannot use the engine manifold to cook or reheat my egg sandwiches in the
morning.

and last, but certainly not
least,

25...Though the HUMMV turret does spin 360 degrees and has a seat large enough for me, I cannot, under any circumstances, use it as an adult-sized "Sit-n-Spin" while tearing down the hardball or while parked.

Yelling "whee!" only gets me in further trouble...

Well, there you have it, folks... don't say our little weekly chats never taught you anything. Now, when you all pursue rewarding careers in the US Army, you'll already know 25 things you absolutely cannot do in HUMMVs.

If you'll excuses me now, I must report to the motor pool to clean every single one of my Company's HUMMV's... guess the Camp Commander won THAT chicken contest... ;)

(kidding)


Take care...

D